I didn’t almost shoot Cal, I did shoot him. He keeps saying it was barely a knick but I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him. If I’m not doing something like cooking or cleaning or something that helps keep part of my attention, I just start shaking. I can’t just sit and relax anywhere near him. I feel so bad. On top of all the other things I’m feeling the sheer enormity of what I did, what I almost did makes my chest feel like it is about to cave in.
He keeps trying to talk to me about it but I can’t, not now, maybe not ever. Maybe this is God’s way of warning me off, reminding me just what a disaster everything I have touched seems to eventually turn into.