Closed Door

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Part 31

Dear Diary, 

Made the mistake of thinking that with Cal out of the house it would be a good time to tackle some stuff that I’ve been avoiding.  Nope.  There will never be a good time to dwell on those last few months.  Did find Dorrie’s note and it was sweet.  I wish I would have read it then, I think it would have made me feel better.  Or maybe I did and just don’t remember it; memories of that time aren’t always reliable.  I wasn’t exactly well-grounded in the land of the living there for a while. 

I think I’ve finally organized and filed everything properly that I’m going to keep.  There were some things that I put into a box for Feena in case at some point she’s got questions.  I decided to chunk a lot of stuff into the burn barrel but it started to rain – again – before it could finish.  It was hard to know what to do with some of it; some hurt too bad to even touch, but the idea of throwing them away hurt even more. 

Cried more today than I have in a long, long time.  Made me want to go put flowers on Daniel’s grave or talk to Trish.  Neither one is possible.  I’m not due to make another run to Tampa to the produce station until next week and Trish is kind of incommunicado as they live in an area where cell phone service is spotty and they don’t have regular phones in the house they are staying at.  We exchange letters but mail service is down to M W F on rural routes and both she and I are considered rural. 

Had one of Cal’s friends from work come by yesterday and at first I thought there had been an accident or something, or maybe that he’d set someone up to watch me while he was gone.  I didn’t know whether to be worried or irritated.  It was neither of those things.  It was basically just a guy being nice because Cal was a friend though I didn’t like the news he brought. 

There are some crap heads using the river as their getaway vehicle after burglarizing homes along the shore.  He knew Cal was away and wanted to give me a heads up and would I please tell my neighbors to keep an eye out and not to hesitate to call if I needed anything and here’s my card. 

Dorrie told me to expect that eventually the guys that Cal brings around would notice that I was not hooked up with anyone and would probably try and see if there was anything worth pursuing with the little widow.  No … freaking … way.  I don’t know if I can ever make that kind of emotional investment again.  It isn’t that I’ve been turned off men; I’m not blind and appreciate a nice looking specimen as well as the next gal.  I just don’t want ulcers.  It’s just despite what Daniel and I had in the beginning which was really, really good it all still wound up like a slasher film.  I knew right away that I was in love with Daniel.  If I can’t have that again why should I even bother taking a chance?

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