Closed Door

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Part 8

Dear Diary, 

I hope I never have to have another surgery in my life.  They finally fixed my face.  My jaw did not heal correctly and I sit here with my mouth all wired together from where they had to rebreak it, do some kind of bone graft, and while they had me out, they also put posts in so that when everything heals they’ll attach dentures where all of my teeth used to be.  Most of them were cracked and broken, the surgeon said it was just better to start with a clean slate.  I hate the way my mouth feels.  I look in the mirror and I see a freak. 

But at least I’m alive and so is Feena.  I have to tolerate all of this that they are doing.  They are trying to help me, I know they are.  It is just that with every step I make that gets me closer to seeing my baby, it feels like I’m forced two steps back when I have to get something else fixed. 

And I hate this tube down my nose and all of these blasted things attached to me and going in and out of my body.  I hate people touching me.  I hate the loss of what little dignity I had.  My body doesn’t belong to me.  Everyone has the authority to touch me and look at me like I’m some kind of science experiment.  I told them the next time to just put a zipper in me, it’d be easier on all of us.  The doctor laughed … but I wasn’t really making a joke. 

Lily is the only one that understood but lately, maybe I’m whining too much because Lily doesn’t come by as often and when she is here she doesn’t stay long.  It is like the hospital freaks her out or something.  I tell her I’m sorry and tell her not to worry about it, if she needs to go to just go because I don’t want to upset her.  The first couple of times she looked grateful but a little guilty, now she only looks relieved.  I worry that I’m using up all of our friendship and haven’t given her enough in return.  I want to think of a way to pay her back for all she has done for me but I don’t know if there is anything in this world enough to say thank you for all she has done. 

God, here they come again.  With all the blood they’ve taken from me I could have fed a village of hungry Transylvanian vampires.

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